Facebook Fan Pages: How They Really Work

So! Let’s say you’ve got a Facebook fan page with a few thousand followers. It’s a popular, universally applicable topic. Something like this:


You talk about bacon, link to bacon, and ask your fans questions about bacon. Happy days.

One day you decide to post a photo. It doesn’t matter what the photo is. It doesn’t matter if it’s about bacon or not, so for this example I’m going to use the following photo of a rather whimsical donkey.


What a nice looking guy. The comments, likes and shares start soon because your fans are an engaging bunch. It’s why you love them. Some of the comments are about the donkey. The rest are derivatives of the following:

Yes! I love bacon!

Ok, so it’s your page title, but it has nothing to do with the image! It’s the one time when you want fans of the page to not be talking about bacon, but there they go.

We missed you last Saturday, but hope to see you at the next event.

You don’t know this person. You don’t know where they were last Saturday or what the ominous “event” they expect you to attend is. You tell yourself that they’re confused and think they’re talking to one of their friends who also liked or commented.. still.. that night you check your door is locked.

Stop spamming my timeline!

These people don’t know how to use Facebook (or even the internet) and are taking it out on you. You can’t stop them, silence them or teach them, and if you reach out them they’ll think you’re a virus. Their numbers are growing every day.

Utterly shameful! This has to stop.

There’s always a variation of this knocking around. Since social networks are increasingly stuffed with photos of of abusive or depraved acts in that hope that likes and shares will somehow make them stop, it’s almost second nature to assume that everything in every photo ever is the fault of fur traders or asylum seekers. The donkey is clearly being horrifically beaten in the name of bacon.

Your grandmother kept donkeys, don’t you know?

This person isn’t your grandmother, doesn’t know your grandmother, and your grandmother never kept donkeys or ate bacon. Nine out of ten times this fan is the grandmother they’re talking about, and they’re talking to grand-children who never told them how to internet properly.


It’s a donkey. It’s a fucking donkey. What could possibly be causing so much confusion and concern?

9/11 changed everything.

Of course it did. EVERYTHING. 

Still, fans and followers are a blessing, and you should never respond to them with anything but explanation and gratitude. Either that or start jacking it in San-Diego.