3D Cinema It looks even worse when you wink..

3D cinema looks shit because life looks shit.

Hmm, perhaps this argument requires a few more words.

Three dimensional cinema takes the content from the far wall and places it in the space between you and that wall. That may sound pretty simple and obvious, but it’s key to the fact that 3D adds depth. There are close objects and far objects, and there is foreground and background.

In the cartoony, fantasy worlds of more successful animated pictures, this close/far clarity is acceptable, since why wouldn’t we be able to see all the features of on the face of a magical cartoon elf thirty miles away? He is a magical cartoon elf, after all.

But real life isn’t like this. Real 3D vision is obscured by wind, atmospheric pockets, dirt, motion, uncertainty, focus, alcohol and a whole other bunch of factors that make the real world frankly look quite rubbish and obscure.

I do not believe I can look down on a ship with clarity so crystal that I can make out the beards on the faces of the crew and the individual ripples on the water all the way to the horizon. I can not believe that somehow in a dusty library I can count the motes, trace the outlines and pages of every volume, and still have time to be shocked by the odd explosion or gunshot. I have no faith in the saw that you are mauling that guy with, because I can see the individual teeth and the blood falling from it in far too much detail.

It is just another cartoon populated by magical elves. I am not “there” and it is not “real”, I am just wearing lumpy glasses in a dirty room full of strangers all staring at the same lifeless wall.

And I have stupid glasses on my face.


What? You wanted to hear something about Christmas?